A Letter to a BMW Owner

Dear Mr. BMW Owner,

  As expected, we all know you bought that new BMW to be noticed.  As an incentive, I am sure the sales representative, at your local BMW dealership, informed you that part of the lofty price of the car, did include owning part of the road you drive on.  It is not clear whether it is a designated piece of real estate, or just the piece of terra firma your car resides on at any given second.  In any event, you were actually taken in by the dealer, in this assumption.

Unfortunately, the other day, the part of the road you wished to claim was indeed occupied.  <sigh> Yes, that was me in front of you in the HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lane, doing what I love to do, .....  The Legal Speed Limit. 

As a matter of fact, I did notice you.  I noticed you come up behind me, doing mach 2, in the construction zone. (I estimated your speed to be 120 ish, was I close?)  I noticed you ride my tail for several kilometers, impatiently wanting me to pull off the road to let you pass, so you could claim your BMW purchased turf further ahead or me. ALSO, I noticed you flapping your gums in an effort to get me to let you pass, using verbal commands, and hand gestures, last spoken by Adolf Hitler, in 1944. With my cruise control on, and, more than one person in the vehicle I was perfectly legal doing what I was doing.  It is unfortunate that you were alone in your car, as several people could have enjoyed your white knuckle ride with you.

At one point, I assumed you were in my back seat, and I did ask you to back off a bit. Unfortunately, you probably didn't hear me over the thumping sounds I erroneously thought were a piston knock in my vehicle, or a possum in the treads, causing the tires to be out of balance.  It was with much relief, and the doppler effect that I found the sound was actually made possible by the optional custom 356 decibel, 12 speaker super surround sound media  system all carefully tuned to your weight, and head size, by the German engineers at BMW.  Forgive me for that faux pas.  Rap music does that to my old ears.

Ah yes,  I also noticed your attempt to get my attention by flashing your highbeams at me and swerving dangerously close to the retaining wall, to get a beam of light into my side mirror, all while a few inches from my back bumper.  Lucky for me you were so close that my vehicle did indeed block the main light from your Xenon / Krypton mini suns.  As for the mirror, they are adjustable on my lowly vehicle.  I meerly moved the little switch and pointed it in a direction where I thought you could enjoy it as well.  Didn't intend for you to put those sunglasses on.

I had to assume you were in quite the hurry when you went over the solid line, and onto the bumper of the guy next to me, in an effort to pass me.  I must admit, I did catch the gentleman's eye in the Taurus next to me and, with a smile, we telepathically bonded.  I could read his thoughts of keeping pace with me in an effort to save gasoline, protect the baby seals, stop global warming and, in a group effort, help frustrate a moron in a BMW who preferred to think of his fine auto as a weapon rather than a commuting device. 

Through mental communication, the man in the Taurus, three inches off your front bumper, started to pull away from me, while I kept my cruise control set as a standard for all to copy, I thought the event was about to end. 

Just when you thought you had enough room to pass me, he slowed down.  Deliberately you ask? Absolutely.  His drop in speed wasn't due to traffic in front of him (there was none), this was actually due to traffic directly behind him.  Yup, you, Mr. BMW.  I have to confess, when he dropped back to where I was, I did notice a bigass grin on his face.  I smiled and continued to maintain my speed in a safe and orderly fashion. 

Now some,.... well, maybe most people would say that the slower traffic should be to the curb lane.  I agree.  That line of trucks that seemed to go on forever, were indeed slower than us, and they were, indeed, in the curb lane.  That left the middle lane and the HOV lane for the masses. We were going faster than those trucks. Besides, in the city slower traffic is not required to stay to the right unless it is posted.  This was not the case. 

It appears, the highway planning engineers had bequeathed me, my own piece of real estate as well.  I do believe they have a bit more pull than the realtors at BMW.  Since I was driving my bus, I had every right to be in that lane.  You on the other hand, were alone in your car.  Obviously, with all your closest of friends. The truth of the matter was, you were an Asshole.  I knew it, Mr. Taurus knew it, the passengers on the right side of my bus knew it, and now, hopefully YOU know it. 

As for those hair implants of yours?  They look like a corn field in southern Ontario from the air.  Wear a hat until they fill in, and the comb-over, I hope, will be temporary. . . 

My passengers thought the morning entertainment of Mr. Taurus speeding up and dropping back, just to piss you off, was funny..  I apologize for you seeing me laughing at that, when you pulled up next to me.  However, I found it amusing when your tirade looked like you were chewing a wad of bubble gum the size of a golf ball.  It reminded me of a cow chewing its cud. 

As for the hand gestures directed at Mr. Taurus?   Slow down, even the best practitioners of American Sign can't read THAT fast.  I wasn't sure if you were flipping him off, signaling a fire, or walking like an Egyptian. 

Thinking of you,

Yo Yo Mr. Bus Driver (the name is a story in itself)

PS.   There is a dent in your back left quarter panel you should know about.